Monday, August 17, 2020

Realizations 2020

Sorry, been out for quite sometime because the recent pandemic had taken its tool on me. For the whole month of May and June I stayed out of social media because the news was so toxic and was hard to bear (only posted here about Mother's day and that's all). Numbers of death were rising up (I was devastated of an acquaintance who died of Covid19 last April), so many businesses closed and we've been staying home as early as March until my mental health was already affected. There were times I could not sleep at night and during daytime I had anxiety issues. 

I decided to TAKE A BREAK.

I stopped logging in at Facebook but only checked my messenger for emergency messages. I avoided reading news that would break me and instead focused on learning new food recipes, did some backyard gardening and only watched shows that would make me laugh. Instagram was the only social media that I would check often because all I could see were just pictures of beautiful scenery or delicious food.

Slowly I functioned and think better. I was able to sleep at night and my anxieties lessened. Taking a break was a really good idea and I'm gonna do this if it happens again.

When I went back to Fb, Twitter, blogging sometimes in July, I've realized muting or unfollowing 'toxic' people are the best option. I didn't block or unfriend them because hey, they might still change. Just as of this moment I don't want to be updated of their status so why bother especially if what they write will not do me any good? 

I also came to a decision to treat others the way they treat me. If they're nice and genuine with their intentions, I will double their kindness. If they are the people that hurt me or continue to look down on me because of my status in life or my family or just simply because I'm like this (or perhaps it's just the way they are), then time to build a barrier. We can still be friends (even online) BUT I will not be stupid enough to be used or to be the subject (or source) of gossip. I will not give satisfaction to their curiosity. I will still be silent but more vigilant. I'm tired of being nice especially if I am just taken advantage. 

And I will not allow myself to involve into something I am not involved because there are people who loves to bait me and stupid me sometimes allows it...BUT NOT this time. Not anymore.

I've realized that no matter how nice you are to others, they will still see a lot of faults in you especially if they are that kind who loves to talk bad to others. Remember, if they talk bad even to their best friends, don't ever think they will spare you coz they won't! I am more guarded now than before. If there's one thing I will protect now - is myself and the people who stood by me no matter the circumstances. Even if that person is often difficult to deal with, but in my lowest point that person stood by me, then I will stick to that person, too.

It is in my lowest point I have realized who are the people who cared for me and never leave my side. Sometimes, these people I had arguments with but they're the ones who showed up and have shown me sympathy. So, despite their being annoying at times, I am still thankful for them. I know I can be annoying, too. I have to see it that way coz nobody's perfect.

And there are those who talked nicely to me, tried to let me think they understand me but in bad times, they let me feel so bad about myself. There are also others who invaded my privacy and got mad after they involved themselves. Why did they get involve in the first place? That, I cannot understand.

I have been silent and silence is my weapon but that doesn't mean I won't fight back. That doesn't mean I am stupid enough to allow others to hurt me, to harm me and my well being. That doesn't mean I am stupid enough not to notice, I am not Blind. I've been in so much pain and got into depression for the past months, I will not tolerate it now. I've to admit it still bothers me from time to time but this has slowly stopped when I started viewing things differently when I took a break and give myself some respect that I deserve.

You might not understand what I'm saying here especially if I will not divulge the issue. But why should I? I will not involve you with any issues that you're not part of (that actually started as nonsense) especially now that I started trying to change its course. Just recently I told myself, if possible, try not to dwell on the past. I cannot change it but I can will it to change the path and sail for a better direction. That is my goal now.

Anyways, I think I've said too much without saying anything, hehe.

Just saying I am better now than the past few months. I've had many realizations and in the end, it's still me who can help myself. 

If someone's hurting you, avoid the cause. If something's bothering you, take a break. If things are too much to bear, know that there are still people whom you can trust no matter how annoying they are and most of all, be kind to yourself.

I often think that I am the problem. But in reality, all of us is a problem. We just see and handle things differently. If it won't work, try another formula. If it does work, then pray that it will stay that way or pray for guidance from God that that the path we walk on is right.

Lastly, issues about Covid19 still affects me. I am aware of the cases growing up but I often avoid reading about it for the sake of my sanity. It scares me about the safety of my family and the front-liners who devoted and sacrificed their lives to care for the sick. It is my utmost prayer that this will end soon.

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