Thursday, March 10, 2016

Feeling Neglected...

A lot of people thought that what I'm experiencing right now is a Big joke. When I say I experienced vertigo or hyperventilation or stomachache, maybe they thought I'm just making some drama. I don't like to feel this but I know my body very well. Whenever I go to a place, I often panicked, then it would result to hyperventilation but I kept on fighting it because I think these are just psychological. But the thing I hated to experience is when I lose my balance. When I tried to fetch my daughter from retreat yesterday, I suddenly felt awful. During their mass I thought I would collapse anytime so I hang on to a chair for my dear life. I befriended one of the moms who attended the mass and told her I was experiencing vertigo. She understood me because her husband suffered the same illness, only his was worst. I needed to talk to someone also in case I might fall anytime, at least someone knew. Gladly, I survive the mass and was able to pick up my daughter and drove home.

But even at home I still experienced that. I'm often scared I might collapse and nobody knows. What scares me is most of the time, it's only me and my 5 year old daughter who are at home. I'm worried for my youngest child that's why I kept praying to God to spare me, to make me well because I need to take care of my kids coz they are still young. Aside from this, my pharyngitis did not subside yet. It's been a month since I had this although it's not that worst anymore. My doctor told me I had chronic pharyngitis secondary to rhinitis and now he prescribed nasal spray to cure my nasal drip. I have to maintain this for 3 months.

Aside from these illnesses I've mentioned, I also worry for what's inside my stomach. I have friends and relatives who suffered from liver cancer lately and it scares out the wits of me. Coz when I experienced abdominal pain, it's as if I can feel my liver. But I know that it's only gassy stomach but I just can't help but get worried.

I just can't help but be scared a little because about 2 years ago, it was detected that I have small cysts in my liver and in my kidneys. However, the doctor told me not to worry much about my liver but he was concern on my kidneys. I went to see a kidney doctor and told me that there's nothing he could do about it because it was hereditary. My diet had nothing to do with it. However, the size of the cysts were too small so he suggest for a yearly monitoring. This year, I didn't have it check yet. And I must admit it scares me what the results would be this time.

At home, I'm begging everyone not to give me stress but it's like they're underestimating me. I'm always wrong and everyone seem to want to argue with me. Even with little things, even if I'm just saying a joke, they always take my words against me and it pissed me off. I cannot have a good talk or discussion with them because they see me as someone who is always angry, hard to please. They're the ones starting the discussion and when I answer, they got pissed off because I don't agree with them. I wish they would refrain from talking to me if they can't take criticisms! Then my daughter always wanted to do her own way. It's so hard to tell her to do something without an argument. And then I read in her text message how much she hated me. Ok fine! Yeah, I admit I'm a Monster mom, a momzilla or whatever she wants to call me but she doesn't get it at all that I'm just trying to instill discipline to her, like stop using your phone or gadgets coz it's night time and stop making nonsense story to whoever you're chatting with because you're learning how to say bad words. She doesn't get it that I'm just too concern for her because she looks so unhealthy already, nails quite dirty and with dandruff hair because she's more concern of her gadgets than her own health or what she looks like. Heck, she's not even aware how pale she looks. Can't she get it that I'm still concern that she will get sick again and be hospitalized because her immune system is already weak? She's only 12 but she often looks old because she's so haggard from sleeping late at night or not stopping from using her phone. Her exams may be over but that doesn't mean she should sleep very late. Worst, she talks back and shouts at me when I started to tell her to stop what she's doing.
And worst of all, I blew my top and we both started yelling each other. I guess my pharyngitis will never get cured and more illnesses will come my way.

I could only pray that they will one day realize I have no bad intention to them, I only wish for their good health. I pray that one of these days they will realize that I only wanted a good conversation and not misunderstand me. But should this time come?

I'm tired. Even writing in here is tiring. I don't like to check my grammar anymore or delete redundant words because I don't want to re-read what I wrote in here. It's just giving me a heartache.

My only worry is my youngest child. She's so innocent, so blind with the things around her. She doesn't know if I'm ill. And that's what's holding me sometimes. I kept asking the Lord to stretch my time, to make me well because I still have my kids to take care of especially my youngest. I hope He will never get tired of listening to me. Right now, I badly need help and prayers but who would bother to listen to me, anyway? Some of my close friends even forgot me and I've no one to talk to. My family is my priority however, they don't even listen to me. They only see my negative side hence we don't understand each other only after we argued. I still hope they broaden their minds because I'm so tired.

I am tired. So, i guess I'll stop typing now coz I'm feeling down again.

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